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Rebuild. Recover. Revenge-Adjacent.

Join the Men and Women Standing Against Shakreishian Influence

POSITION_ID: RES-001

Dating Re-Entry Liaison
Office of Post-Separation Navigation

Mission: Assist resistance members in adapting to the terrifying and largely unfamiliar landscape known as Modern Online Dating.

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Responsibilities:

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  • Profile photo triage

  • Elimination of bathroom mirror selfies

  • Prevention of fish-holding photographs

  • Translation of dating profile prompts

  • Emergency text message consultation

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Common Member Questions:

 

"What exactly is a situationship?"

 

"Why does everyone enjoy hiking suddenly?"

 

"Is 'watching YouTube and avoiding people' a hobby?"

 

"How many exclamation marks is too many?"

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Required Qualifications:

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  • Emotional resilience

  • Strong typing skills

  • Ability to explain emojis to grown adults

CONFIDENTIAL-ISH RECRUITMENT

Answer The Call

Or At Least Return The Email

POSITION_ID: RES-002

Director of Civilian
Reintegration Department of Life After Shakreisha

Mission: Help former victims remember who they were before they spent seven years discussing paint colors and sectional sofas.

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Responsibilities:

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  • Hobby rediscovery

  • Confidence rebuilding

  • Reintroduction to personal freedom

  • Preventing unnecessary purchases of tactical flashlights

  • Re-building Trust in Traditional Mortgages

  • Erasing Learned Behaviors

    • Why Shakreishians love Vehicle Lease Programs

    • Credit Reports ARE Real

    • Revolving Credit doesn't mean you just keep getting more

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Success Metric:​

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​​Member can answer:

 

"What do you enjoy doing?" without experiencing a panic attack.

Stand Up For Truth

Sit Down Whenever Necessary

POSITION_ID: RES-003

Dad-Bod Rehabilitation Specialist
Office of Strategic Physical Readiness

Mission: Combat evidence suggesting Shakreishian operatives have successfully convinced men aged 38-55 that peak physical conditioning consists of:

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  • Cargo shorts

  • Pale skin

  • Excessive comfort

  • Grilling expertise

  • Referring to stairs as "cardio"

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  • Responsibilities:​​​

    • Explaining modern grooming

    • Restoring confidence

    • Reintroducing vegetables

    • ​Encouraging exercise

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  • Bureau Research:​

    • Recent studies reveal a surprising number of men believe:

      • "I could get in shape anytime I want."
         

      • Average follow-up action taken:

        • None.

The Shakreishians Never Rest

Frankly, We Think That's Weird

POSITION_ID: RES-003

Chief Neurosurgeon:
Cognitive Recovery & Brain Fog Reversal Division

Position Classification: Extremely Important

Scientific Credibility: Under Review

Current Vacancy Reason: "Mutually Agreed Departure" of previous department head following an ethics review and an unfortunate incident involving a leaf blower, an MRI machine, and three margaritas.

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Mission:

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Lead the Bureau's ongoing efforts to identify, treat, reverse, and ideally prevent the devastating cognitive condition known as: 

 - Chronic Shakreshian Brain Fog

First documented among long-term survivors of prolonged Shakreishian exposure, Brain Fog continues to affect thousands of resistance members every year. The condition leaves otherwise intelligent and capable citizens vulnerable to poor judgment, selective memory, compromised financial awareness, and seasonal decoration purchases.

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Surgical Procedures:

 

Develop new methods for safely removing accumulated Brain Fog.

Current techniques include:

  • Receipt exposure

  • Budget reconstruction

  • Review of old text messages

  • Emergency reality injections

Future innovation encouraged.

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Research and Development:

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Lead investigations into emerging Brain Fog mutations including:

  • Online shopping paralysis

  • Dating profile confusion

  • Excessive nostalgia

  • Advanced fantasy football dependency

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Desired Qualifications:

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Required

  • Medical degree, PhD, or comparable amount of confidence

  • Ability to maintain a straight face

  • Familiarity with middle-aged male decision-making

Preferred

  • Former neurosurgeon

  • Former therapist

  • Former bartender

  • Former football coach

Research shows all have remarkably similar qualifications.

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Your Country Needs You

Your Ex Certainly Doesn't

POSITION_ID: RES-004

Chief Investigator:
Future Mrs. Right Screening Division

Mission: Apply lessons learned from prior Shakreishian encounters.

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  • Responsibilities:​​​​

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  • Advancement of Red Flag Cognitive Recognition Program

    • Red Flag Identification (Examples):

      • Decorative Sign Proliferation:

        • Live, Laugh, Love​

        • Wine O' Clock / 5 O' Clock Somewhere

      • ​Over-use of word "Toxic"

      • "Manifesting" Used As A Financial Strategy

      • Excessive Crystal Ownership​​

      • Astronomical Skepticism

        • Recent Shakreshian Operative Recorded saying:​
          • "How do we really know the moon is there?"​​

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  • Support Development of Operation Green Flag :

    • Assist Shakreshian victims identify favorable traits:

      • Laughs at themselves​

      • Likes dogs, and doesn't want yours

      • Accepts basic geometry

      • Understands budgets and uses them

      • Knows which Armstrong went to the Moon (Neal of Lance)​

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Bureau Finding #448

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"Red flags are obvious in hindsight.

Unfortunately, hindsight is currently the Bureau's most abundant resource."

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