REPORTED SIGHTING: [ CONFIRMED ]
YEAH, THAT'S HER!
REPORTED SIGHTING: [ IDENTIFIED ]
YEAH, THAT'S HER!
REPORTED SIGHTING: [ OBSERVED ]
YEP, ALWAYS BEHIND LEAVES!
REPORTED SIGHTING: [ SUSPICIOUS ]
RIGHT, ARE THOSE TAXES..?
REPORTED SIGHTING: [ POSITIVE ]
100%, THAT'S HER!!!
REPORTED SIGHTING: [ ANOMALY ]
DAMNITT! FREAKING CLOWNS!
REPORTED SIGHTING: [ NEGATIVE ]
PLEASE, SHE ONLY WISHES.
REPORTED SIGHTING: [ DEBRIS ]
IS THAT TRASH, WELL OK.
REPORTED SIGHTING: [ UNKNOWN ]
I MEAN, KINDA SORTA..
REPORTED SIGHTING: [ DUPLICATE ]
IDK, MAYBE. NAH THAT'S HER!
REPORTED SIGHTING: [ DECOY ]
DAMNITT! FREAKING CLOWNS!
INTERCEPT-A1
SECTOR: DELTA-9 // TIMESTAMP: 0400HRS
TACTICAL-B2
SECTOR: OMEGA-4 // STATUS: VERIFIED
ANALYSIS-C3
SOURCE: PHANTOM-INTEL // RATING: HIGH
Dr. Core Easenutz
President, Founder, Executive Director, Survivor // Dossier Ref: EX-000
The man.
The myth.
The case study.
Dr. Easenutz remains one of the longest-documented survivors of combined T.I.T.T.I.E.S. and T.R.A.M.P.S.T.A.M.P.I.N.G. exposure.
Despite suffering:
-
Fiscal Evaporation Drift
-
Strategic Asset Migration
-
Acute Armstrong Displacement Syndrome
-
The Independence Day Incident
-
The Great Moon Incident
He continues leading B.O.R.E.D.'s mission. His current strategic headquarters features:
-
One studio condo
-
Two arcade cabinets
-
One unreasonable stereo system
-
Classified throw-pillow inventory
-
HOA dedidicated to his destruction. (Investigating potential ties to Shakreshian radicalists)
Researchers consider his recovery remarkable. Accountants remain concerned.
Commander Rex Fullerton
Director of Strategic Asset Recovery & strategic refigeration intelligence // Dossier Ref: EX-001
Former logistics specialist turned legendary asset tracker.
Fullerton earned national recognition after identifying a stunning patio furniture set that had been presumed lost to a Shakreshian Elitest since 2009.
His pioneering work established:
- The Fullerton Doctrine
"If you can still point at it and say you bought it, the investigation remains active."
His office walls are covered in photographs of lawn equipment, aging pets, cookware, even old band posters, that he claims are "being held against their wills."
Dr. Victor Hensley
Chief Financial Trauma Researcher // Dossier Ref: EX-002
Lead author of the groundbreaking report:
The Economic Impact of Advanced T.I.T.T.I.E.S. Exposure
His studies identified the now-famous phenomenon known as:
- Fiscal Evaporation Drift
This revolutionary study examines several cases where large sums of money end up in the hands of local plastic surgeons for advanced T.I.T.T.I.E.S installations while victims maintain complete confidence they are making excellent decisions.
His work has saved dozens, mostly emotionally.
Professor Miles Arcwright
Chief Geospatial Analyst // Dossier Ref: EX-003
Chief Geospatial & Curvature Analyst
Widely regarded as one of the foremost experts in round things.
- Yeah, we get it.. "round things." So what, she IS an expert, we feel no shame.
Professor Arcwright has spent twenty years defending geographical reality against increasingly creative Shakreishian theories.
Published works include:
-
Globes: A Surprisingly Effective Technology
-
Gravity and Other Inconveniences
-
Please Stop Emailing Me About The Moon